Harry Potter and the Chamber of Laughs
by Maria from Ravenclaw
Summary: How far can Gilderoy's narcissism go? What kind of dreams does Argus Filch have? Would the Basilisk dare to attack a prefect? The crazy ideas I thought of while rereading CoS. Not necessarily in chronological order.
1. Lockhart in Love

_AN: For the "Monthly Drabble a Thon" challenge. It was supposed to be between 50 and 750 words, but I got carried away, I was having tons of fun…  
Prompt: Gilderoy Lockhart  
Word count:1,079_

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Lockhart in Love

Gilderoy Lockhart could not sleep. Could the Chamber of Secrets really have been opened? The idea made him restless. He needed to calm down, and there was only one way to do that: visiting his portraits.

Of course his sleeping chamber had its walls covered in magnificent pictures of himself: Gilderoy Lockhart and his published works, Gilderoy Lockhart in a splendid fur cloak, Gilderoy Lockhart's flawless profile, Gilderoy Lockhart in bejeweled robes that sparkled nearly as much as his hair and teeth – the list went on and on.

But the truly _heroic_ paintings, the ones he turned to in times of terr– in times when his great courage could use a little boost, were all hung in his office.

So, Gilderoy sneaked out. However, he had barely stepped out of the chamber when something made him jump.

"Professor Lockhart," drawled a cold voice from behind him.

He turned around, startled, hoping the owner of the voice hadn't noticed his tiny leap.

"Professor Snape. How odd to see you out here at such a late hour!" said the blond wizard, trying to sound casual. "Had you told me about your insomnia, I could have brewed just the poti–"

"Odd to see _you_ up so late, Professor Lockhart," said Snape through gritted teeth. "I _wonder_ what's delaying your _beauty sleep_," he spat.

"Professor Snape, it is very kind of you to worry about my well-being. I can assure you that my good looks are strong enough to resist a few sleepless nights. What kept me up was fear – I mean, fear for the students, of course, with such a monster lurking around. I thought I'd do a bit of patrolling, in case the beast shows itself."

Professor Snape lifted his chin and his right eyebrow gave a twitch, as if he had been about to raise it, but his expression quickly changed into a very subtle smirk.

"I hope you do encounter that beast tonight, Professor Lockhart, so that by the next morning Hogwarts will be free of a terrible _nightmare_," he said.

Completely oblivious, Gilderoy inflated his chest and thanked Professor Snape.

Our hero then headed towards his office. Hogwarts was a very dark place at night, he thought to himself, dark and creepy. That is, other people, people who hadn't defeated all sorts of extremely dangerous creatures, might find it creepy.

And when he reached that point in his reflections, his mind searched for a distraction. He replayed in his head the scene that had just happened: ah, what an ingenious excuse he had made! But now it dawned on him that Professor Snape might not have meant – never mind that old bat.

At last, Gilderoy reached his destination.

He entered his office and quickly shut the door behind him. With a flick of his wand, all the candles in the room were set alight, revealing his many portraits of himself. They all looked like they had prepared for the occasion: every painted golden lock fell in a perfect, hypnotizing spiral, and the painted smiles all glistened, whiter than ever.

The real Gilderoy gave a sigh of relief upon seeing himself fighting a troll, brandishing a sword, standing in front of a dead werewolf… Certainly whatever had been lurking around the castle was no match for such a powerful wizard.

It was only when all the men on the walls nodded in agreement that Gilderoy realized he had been thinking out loud.

"There is no beast the great Gilderoy Lockhart can't defeat!" said one of the portraits.

It was his very favourite painting, and the largest in the room. It had been inspired by a Muggle a picture he had once seen: a man on a glorious white horse, with his hand pointing upwards and a scarlet cloak flying behind him. Gilderoy's, however, showed the blond mounting a unicorn – yes, for even unicorns showed him obedience – with his wand in his hand and a periwinkle cloak billowing in the wind.

" The monster from the Chamber would certainly be blinded by our beauty," said another Gilderoy.

"Or it would kill itself, envying our dazzling blue eyes!" suggested the Gilderoy with the werewolf.

"Don't be foolish, you two," said the one with the troll, "we would immobilise the creature before it could even take a proper look at our faces!"

"Now, now, my wonderful men, don't fight," advised the real Gilderoy, unable to suppress his award-winning smile, as he imagined a daring battle between him and the monster.

"Oh, look at his _teeth_!" said a portrait, in a trance.

"_Our_ teeth," said another, very proud.

"And the lips around them, sweet Merlin..." added a signed photograph on the desk.

At that, the three-dimensional Gilderoy blushed a little. "Oh, you flatter me."

"But he's right," chimed in a picture on the corner, "if only I could kiss flawless lips like those..."

"Well, you _can_," said the painting next to the last one, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

The other Gilderoys sniggered at the idea, and the next thing they knew, a Gilderoy had moved into another's frame, and the two were snogging fiercely.

Soon enough, the rest of the men on the walls decided they were geniuses for thinking of that, and followed suit.

The real Gilderoy stared open-mouthed at the scene before him, still a tiny bit disturbed, but mostly overwhelmed with attraction to himself. It wasn't long before he took a photo from his desk and rubbed his lips and tongue on it passionately, covering it in the perfect saliva of a perfect man.

But then, his bliss was interrupted. "Professor Lockhart, what in Merlin's name _are_ you doing?"

The sun was already up, and Professor McGonagall, who had had her knocking ignored, now stood by the door, looking positively outraged.

Gilderoy froze in shock, but quickly snapped out of it and threw the photograph aside (it gave an indignant "humph!").

"I – Er – You see, Professor, I was checking my pictures for curses! Some complicated curses can only be detected by use of all the five senses; it's nothing a skilled wizard like myself cannot vanquish, naturally," he explained hurriedly.

"I see," replied McGonagall, very suspicious. "Well, I'll see you at breakfast, Professor."

At last, she left.

Gilderoy looked disapprovingly at his portraits, who smiled innocently back. That was enough to convince him – after all, he had won Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award for a reason – and from then on, Gilderoy Lockhart spent many nights in his office.

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_AN: Don't forget to review!_


	2. Potter's Little Problem

_AN: For the Monthly Drabble a Thon challenge. My idea of humour is weird.  
Prompt: Trio Era  
Word count: 686_

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Potter's Little Problem

_Harry Potter's favourite charm was Expelliarmus. Everyone at Hogwarts knew that. Since he had learned the Disarming Charm at Lockhart's Duelling Club, he kept practising, and would never get tired of it. Soon enough, that simple fondness became an obsession, and things got out of hand._

Harry, Ron and Hermione were doing their homework in the common room. Ron, as usual, was mumbling about how he would rather be somewhere else, and the other two pretended not to hear him, trying to concentrate on their own essays.

Finally, Hermione decided she'd had enough.

"_Honestly_, Ronald, be quiet!"

Ron mumbled something else and Harry reacted as he had been reacting to everything lately: pointing his wand at whatever was in front of him and shouting "_Expelliarmus!"_

Hermione's quill darted all the way across the circular room.

"_Accio quill," _she said, and her quill came zooming back. "Great, that's 20 wasted seconds of studying! _Honestly_, Harry."

_From then on, it only got worse._

Neville Longbottom was headed towards the Gryffindor Common Room, looking sweaty, red and dishevelled.

"You have to stop running away, Trevor..." he panted to the toad in his hands.

But Neville, as always, was out of luck, for Harry Potter was just climbing out of the Fat Lady's portrait.

"_Expelliarmus!" _yelled Harry when he heard the other boy's voice.

Neville groaned: Trevor had disappeared once again.

_The next incident would have been amusing, if what people had started calling "Potter's little problem" weren't so worrying._

"Today, as Professor Lockhart _insisted_ _so much_," drawled Professor Snape, "you will brew a Glamour Potion. That is a simpler version of the Beautification Potion, whose effects are stronger and more lasting."

Neville had an accident, Seamus had an explosion and Hermione had perfection. Then, at the end of the lesson, Snape asked the students to hand in a vial of their potion.

"You could use some of this, Potter," teased Draco Malfoy, unwisely. "Maybe with a decent face you'd finally have more fans than Lockhart."

"_Expelliarmus!_"

Malfoy's unstoppered vial flew out of his hand and somehow hit Snape's open mouth.

Suddenly, the bat-like Potions master looked like someone out of the cover of _Witch Weekly_: his greasy hair was brushed back in an elegant pompadour_, _his sallow skin turned a golden tan and his skinny frame became well-muscled instead. His nose remained hooked.

"If we were back in the 70's, James Potter wouldn't stand a chance, eh, Severus?" said a voice from the back of the room. It was Dumbledore, who had been sitting there unnoticed the whole time (or had he just arrived?) and now winked at his colleague.

No one had understood what he said, though. Well, no one but Snape, who looked more furious than ever and bellowed "ONE HUNDRED POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR, POTTER!"

_At last, that Disarming-filled year ended, but Harry's problem hadn't been solved._

Colin Creevey strode merrily down the corridor on the Hogwarts Express back home, searching for his idol, Harry Potter.

At last, he opened the door to the celebrity's compartment and raised the camera dangling from his neck. "Look, Harry, Dumbledore fixed it for me! Let me take a pic–"

"_Expelliarmus!_"

The camera now lay shattered at the other end of the train.

"Wow, that was awesome!" commented Colin, beaming. "Shame I couldn't take a picture..."

_And even during summer, Harry abused his favourite charm._

The Dursleys were to have guests for dinner, and Aunt Petunia had made another of her elaborate puddings.

"Out of the kitchen, boy, can't you see I'm very busy?" she barked at Harry, carrying her new gastronomic work of art.

"_Expelliarmus!"_

"NOT AGAIN!"

_So, Harry received a letter from the Ministry of Magic_.

An owl flew through his open window, carrying an envelope.

"_Expelliarmus!_"

And both owl and letter fell back into the night sky.

_Many unopened letters from the Ministry of Magic later, Cornelius Fudge himself turned up on the Dursleys' doorstep._

After much explaining, he announced that Harry was to be expelled from Hogwarts, due to his many episodes with underage magic.

"_Expelliarmus!_"

And a lime green bowler hat whizzed like a Frisbee.

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_AN: Review, review, or I'll personally Disarm you ;)_


	3. Tons of Fun with Tom

_AN: For the Monthly Drabble a Thon Challenge.  
Disclaimer: the quotes from the book, which don't belong to me, don't belong to me.  
Prompt: Time  
Word count:556_

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Tons of Fun with Tom

Harry Potter had just found Ginny, lying unconscious in the Chamber of Secrets, and was now trying to revive her.

"She won't wake," said a voice that made Harry turn around.

Leaning against a pillar was a black-haired boy Harry recognized as Tom Riddle.

Riddle reassured the younger boy that Ginny wasn't dead, but Harry still wondered how Tom Riddle, who had lived fifty years ago, could be standing right before him.

"Are you a ghost?" he tried.

"Take the schedule first, Harry, I didn't make it for nothing," said Riddle.

"Schedule? What schedule?" asked Harry, very confused.

"The schedule I taped to Ginny's robes, hoping you would find it," explained the older boy, "but naturally the great Harry Potter would be too busy trying to save his damsel in distress."

Harry turned around and noticde there was, indeed, a folded piece of parchment on Ginny's clothes. He crouched and took it, frowning in puzzlement.

"Open it, Harry; read it!" ordered Riddle.

He did so. The parchment read:

_The Chamber of Secrets Entertainment Schedule_

_Riddle's Riddles – the opening will feature a chat with our host, Tom Riddle, in which he gives some hints regarding his true identity._

_Story time with Tom – Tom Riddle talks about his latest evil schemes._

_Logic puzzles – Mr. Riddle provides an anagram challenge._

"_Dumbledore is dumb as an old door" – an inspirational speech by Mr. Riddle._

_Phoenix song appreciation – Fawkes the phoenix gives a sample of his talent._

_Analysis of Professor Dumbledore's methods – Tom Riddle comments on Fawkes and the Hogwarts Sorting Hat._

_Interview with Harry Potter – our host questions the Boy Who Lived about why he lived._

"_The snake whisperer" – a Parseltongue demonstration with Serpent-Tongue's great-great-great-great-grandson himself._

_Blindman's Buff with a Basilisk – a highly enjoyable game for brave heroes of all ages._

"_Dancing in the Dark (Side") – Fawkes the phoenix and the Basilisk perform a quaint dance number. _

"_Swords over rabbits" – magic tricks with the Hogwarts Sorting Hat._

_Basilisk MMA – Harry Potter fights the Basilisk in this epic battle._

_Phoenix tears healing power demonstration – with Fawkes the phoenix, of course._

_The Final Confrontation – our grand finale for this afternoon._

When he was done reading, Harry looked even more bewildered than before.

"What is this?" he inquired, slightly alarmed.

"Ah! Silly Harry Potter, did you think you'd simply come down here, see a flash of green light and die a quick, painless, _boring_ death? No, no, I thought I'd plan some exciting activities for us," answered Riddle.

"And why are Fawkes and the Sorting Hat there?" asked Harry.

"Well, I didn't want that, but if I didn't compromise, the Dumbledore fool wouldn't let me have some fun with you," said Riddle, rather morosely.

"Dumbledore knows I'm here? He knows _you're_ here?"

"Of course he does, Dumbledore knows everything, that know-nothing twat."

Harry frowned, but then –

"Anyway, let's get started. Where were we? Oh, yes, ask again if I'm a ghost."

"Erm... Okay," replied Harry, very uncertainly. "Are you a ghost?"

"A memory. Preserved in a diary for fifty years."

And from then on, we all know what happened, since Tom and Harry followed their schedule.

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_AN: Review, review :D_


	4. Percy the Prefect

_AN: For the Mnothly Drabble a Thon Challenge Revamped (just realised I forgot the "revamped" in the other chapters, meh). Little bit of OOC Harry bashing in the end.  
Prompt: Worried  
Word count:452_

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Percy the Prefect

Harry Potter heard the ominous hissing voice in the walls of the Hogwarts castle for the tenth time that year.

"...time to kill... rip the blood-traitor... so hungry... let me kill..."

And once again, the boy tried to follow it. His schoolmates, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger still had no clue what Harry was doing, but they, as loyal Gryffindor friends, trailed behind him.

This time, however, their effort had not been in vain. The voice had led the three second years to the boys' restroom on the fifth floor.

Harry, desperate to stop the monster, was about to slam the door open, but Hermione quickly stopped him when she heard a human voice coming from the tiled room. Whoever was speaking did not sound distressed at all. So, they pressed their ears against the door.

"Well, it so happens that I am a _Prefect_." said the pompous voice to whatever sort of terrible creature was in there.

"But that's my brother Percy!" whispered Ron frantically. "We've got to help him!"

"Does he really think Prefects won't be attacked? _Honestly_..." said Hermione in condescending disapproval, but still sounding concerned.

By then, Harry had opened the door and the trio were immediately blinded by a violently bright golden light that looked like the sun itself.

Shielding their eyes, they stepped back and waited for few moments, until the light had disappeared.

They walked into the bathroom carefully and very slowly, expecting to find nothing but tragedy. Ron had hidden his face in his trembling hands and looked through a tiny gap between his fingers.

Yet their dreadful, sombre expectations went completely unfulfilled. The sight before them was very strange indeed, and rather repulsive, but perfectly calm nonetheless.

Percy Weasley the Gryffindor Prefect stood by the sinks, calmly adjusting the much-shinier-than-usual badge on his robe; on the floor, lay a gigantic dead snake, covered in burns and whose eyes appeared to have melted out of their sockets.

They found the scene most puzzling, but before they had time to ask anything, Percy spoke.

"What are you doing here, aren't you supposed to be in class?" he demanded.

"But – the monster – how did you–?" stammered Ron, astounded.

"I _told_ you it wouldn't attack a Prefect, didn't I?" said Percy, puffing his chest. "Back to your lessons, now, the three of you."

The trio walked down the hall, all of them with their minds elsewhere. Hermione tried in vain to find an explanation for what she had just witnessed; Ron was still struggling to process what he had seen; Harry was deeply disappointed that he didn't get to save the Wizarding World that year, and wondered if Percy would take his place as a celebrity.

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_AN: Review, review, or the Basilisk will go after you! Unless you're a Prefect. It'll still attack Head Boys and Girls, though._


	5. Slytherin's Slithery Friends

_AN: For the "Monthly Drabble a Thon – Revamped" Challenge. Medieval dialogue has been translated into modern English (heh).  
Prompt: Practise  
Word count: 584_

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Slytherin's Slithery Friends

It had been nearly two weeks since Salazar Slytherin's trip to Egypt had ended. Usually, when he got back from his holidays, he would waste no time in meeting up with his best friends to boast about his exotic adventures.

This time, however, Godric, Helga and Rowena hadn't heard from the young man. Beginning to worry, they decided to visit the Slytherin Manor on the fens.

A house-elf led the witches and the wizard past the entrance hall and into the drawing room, where Mrs. Slytherin greeted them. She was relieved that her son had visitors; maybe his friends could persuade him to leave the bedroom where he had locked himself ever since the family had set foot back in Britain.

Helga was about to knock on Salazar's door when Godric pushed past her and threw it open.

"Hello, old friend!" he greeted with his chin raised, which meant his eyes were on a wall.

For that reason, Godric didn't understand the two witches' bewildered silence. Finally, the young Gryffindor looked down and found a most peculiar scene: Salazar sat cross-legged on the floor with three deadly looking snakes wrapped around him.

The young man, always rather cold and distant, seemed to have left that demeanour behind: he now fondly petted his reptiles and hissed what could only be loving words in Parseltongue.

"Hssss thhht, shhhhhsss" he said to the snakes upon the arrival of the visitors. "What do you want?"

"Eh- we hadn't seen you for weeks, we thought we'd come..." answered Helga warily.

"Well, I've been spending time with my _new_ friends," said Salazar, looking away from the wizard and witches.

"Salazar, those are not your friends! Snakes are nobody's friends!" laughed Godric.

"Actually, they look rather friendly to me, once you get past the shock," said Helga, slowly approaching a grey viper with two demon-like horns that had slithered towards her.

"Tttcsss shhht, chhhhth thhc!" yelled Salazar, and the cobra went back to his side.

"A horned viper... You've brought them from Egypt, haven't you?" deduced Rowena.

"Yes," he admitted defiantly. "My Parseltongue was getting rusty. And I was tired of adders and grass-snakes. These are much more exciting!"

"So you thought stealing snakes to practise Parseltongue was a good idea?!" said the Ravenclaw.

"Oh, the poor things, they must miss their home..." said Helga, who now squeezed a red and black cobra in a clumsy sort of hug.

The snake happened to be a spitting cobra. It now had its mouth threateningly open, and seemed to be taking aim at the Hufflepuff's eyes.

"Stop it, you're hurting her!" shrieked Salazar from the floor, and Helga dropped the snake. "Ssssh ttthhh ssschh" he said, and the animal turned away from Helga.

"How dare you try to attack her, you monster! I'll slay these demons!" roared Godric, drawing the sword he always carried with him.

Salazar had got up and was about to take action (with a hooded cobra wrapped on his neck), but Rowena was faster.

"Put that away Godric," she said firmly, and her order was heeded. "You must return them at once, Salazar."

"No, I won't," he said. "They love me, can't you see?" The other two snakes slithering up his body seemed to prove his point. "If _you_ three don't like them, you can go."

Rowena sighed and Godric glared at the reptiles; Helga, afraid for their friendship, convinced the other two to leave. Salazar sat back on the floor and rapid hisses filled the room once more.

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_AN: Sssthhcs! (review!)_


	6. Olive's Ordeal

_AN: For the "Monthly Drabble a Thon – revamped" challenge.  
Prompt: Pimple remover  
Word count: 348_

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Olive's Ordeal

"D'you think it's gonna work?" said Olive Hornby to one of her friends as they entered the girls' lavatory.

"It worked for me, and my face was much worse than yours."

"What do you mean 'my face was worse than yours'?" demanded Olive shrilly. "My face is perfect, Lucy, it just needs its maintenance."

"That's what I meant, of course," mumbled Lucy.

"Give me the flask."

Olive drank the Pimple Removing Potion she had been handed, and just as its last drop had touched her tongue–

"Hi, there!" said a translucent head hovering right next to Olive's ear and sending shivers through her body.

Startled, she jumped and let out a piercing shriek, but the shock was quickly replaced by anger.

"Not you _again_, Myrtle! I've told you countless times to leave me alone!"

But Myrtle, now sitting on a sink, did not reply. Instead, she giggled madly.

Olive frowned and turned to Lucy, wondering if there really was anything to giggle about. Her friend seemed not to think so, for she didn't look remotely amused with her hand over her mouth and her eyes wide as saucers.

"What–?" and then she saw it.

The image on the mirror was the most grotesque she had ever seen: her beautiful face was disfigured under thousands and thousands of huge, disgusting pimples.

They kept sprouting everywhere, covering every inch of her face, and swelled to look like boils. Soon, the intruders threatened to swallow even her eyes, nostrils and mouth. She tried to scream again, but her lips wouldn't move.

Myrtle was now crying with mirth, laughing harder than she had ever done in her 13 years of existence. "Who's _pimply_ now, uh?"

Olive made several strangled sounds and gestured wildly, pointing at Lucy and then at the empty flask.

"I- I don't know – it worked with me, I – well, maybe it works better if you're relaxed when you take it!"

The monstrous-looking girl gave a last, furious grunt and dragged Lucy towards the Hospital Wing, trying to cover her face with her robes.

"See you soon, Pimply Olive!"

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_AN: More disturbing than funny, I guess. Oh, well._


	7. Filch's Fantasy

_AN: For the "Monthly Drabble a Thon – revamped" challenge.  
Prompt: Dungeons  
Word count: 390_

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Filch's Fantasy

It was a very dark dungeon. The flames of a single torch kept it dimly lit and quite eerie. Under the flickering light was a small coffin, adorned with many purple flowers and inside which, resting on a cushion of matching velvet, lay an unmoving dust-coloured cat.

An old man took the cat in his arms, soaking it in his anguished tears. He felt a great rage towards the insolent boy who had caused that tragedy, but, now there was nothing he could do – his feline companion would not wake.

The devilish bespectacled second year stood somewhere nearby and laughed a thunderous, disturbing evil laugh. No matter how many curses the weeping man muttered, the boy would not stop laughing.

Suddenly, the scene was illuminated by a warm glow, and two owls carrying something very large came flying through the open door.

The man left his place by the coffin and took what the owls had brought him. It was a wonderful trophy, with his name inscribed on it:

Argus Filch  
Most Powerful Wizard Alive

A grin spread across his face, and he noticed that the evil boy was now silent. Argus marvelled at the great golden cup for many minutes, until at last he put it aside.

The room went dark once more, but this time, it was a remarkably satisfying kind of darkness.

The man started towards the boy. A flourish of his wand and the teenager was chained to the stone ceiling, hanging by his ankles and screaming in terror.

Another flourish and the cat in the coffin was back to life. Her lamp-like eyes shining bright as ever, she was quick to join his master in the sadistic watching of the black-haired boy's futile struggles.

The old wizard was already elated, but there was one thing missing for his happiness to be complete. And then that very thing glided into the dungeon, like a noble bird of prey flying through the skies.

Her dark hair and eyes contrasted beautifully with her fair skin, on which dazzling features had been expertly carved. But before Argus' appreciation of such a miraculous sight could be concluded, the gorgeous witch had floated to mere inches from him.

Those tempting, velvety red lips were closer and closer –

"RRRIIIIIIIIINNNG!" went the Muggle alarm clock.

And the Hogwarts caretaker was back to his miserable life.

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_AN: Yes, the "noble bird of prey" was Madam Pince. Review or she'll try to kiss you._

_I intended to make this 10 chapters long, but fortunately or unfortunately, I'm gonna have to call it quits and end it here. As I said, I started writing these drabbles while rereading CoS, but now I'm halfway through OotP and I can't bring myself to work on light, humorous stuff anymore._

_Thanks for the many follows and reviews; I hope you've enjoyed these seven drabbles :D _


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